Wolf blitzer

“It’s about journalistic integrity” declared Wolf Blitzer.  “We have instructed our staff to reduce fake news stories by as much as 10% over the next  six months.  We will have less fake news but the fake news we publish will be higher quality so it spreads more quickly” Blitzer divulged with a coy smile.  “We’ll time our fake news so it has measurable influence. Like a barrage of bogus accusations a couple days before an election.” 

According to Blitzer, credibility is motivating the change.  “Our research shows that if we reduce our fabrications by 10% the public will view us with the same amount of trust as Fox News.  That’s the integrity level we are shooting for” Blitzer asserted boldly.  “We considered increasing fake news by 10% but that would make us The Onion or MSNBC.  No one votes based on what they hear on those platforms.” 

CNN journalist Brooke Baldwin welcomes the change in direction.  “I have a degree in journalism.  Right now it feels like I’m writing for the Howard Stern show.  I was forced to cobble together 10 minutes about some geezer who allegedly popped a boner at a work party in 1973.  When I asked if I could do a story about the Vietnam War instead, management insisted that event was no longer relevant to America.  Turns out boner guy lost his right arm to a Bouncing Betty in Cu Chi so I was able to work in Vietnam that way.  He couldn’t jack off because he didn’t have his arm and so maybe that could be behind the boner?  That’s the lengths I’m forced to go to work in some real history”